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	Is Your Cat Y2K-OK? By Doug Goodhue October 5, 1999 Great concern over the impact of the Year 2000 on computer programs has obscured a much more significant issue: Is your cat sufficiently prepared for the millennium? Few appreciate the magnitude of this looming crisis, as America's kitties peer uncertainly into the next century. There are, in fact, three major areas that ought to be addressed by every cat lover to ensure a smooth transition over the next few months: Signs of "Millennial Fever" in your cat, Testing Puss for Y2K compliance, Helpful software hints for timely upgrades. Signs of Millennial Fever: Major veterinary and pharmaceutical institutions have issued bulletins about pending outbreaks of Feline Millennial Fever (FMF). Symptoms include cats refusing to sleep near calendars (both desk and wall), a repeating pattern of kitty aiming for the date when destroying newspapers, and an aversion to the expiration date stamped on containers of cat food. There are also unconfirmed reports (from South Dakota, the Ukraine, and Alabama) of cats having attacked talking clocks ("the time is seven o'clock....") Suggested cures for FMF include foraging in antique shops for calendars from the 1920's and 1930's. showing horse-drawn wagons and other rustic scenes. This will give the cat owner several months easement to formulate more advanced plans. Stop reading newspapers. Set back the date on all electronic appliances. Stop watching television. Buy a jalopy. Testing for Y2K Compliance: There are several enhancements (most can be downloaded from the Web) to help test your cat's readiness for the Y2K rollover: a) Change brands of cat foods. Most cats are finicky eaters, and regard a new variety as akin to leprosy. Neurotic Y2K-induced feline agitation may prompt kitty to scarf down whatever is offered. Your cat's sudden refusal to be picky at dinner time might be a serious warning. b) Festoon clocks (especially digital) with garlands of catnip. Aversion to such a treat is a definite a Yellow Alert of problems afoot. c) double or triple your grooming efforts, while filling the mail basket with news of cat shows. Latent fear of upcoming events will be soon evident in a non-compliant feline. d) Critical Test Pattern Some authorities go so far as to recommend a "faux rollover," akin to the simulations being run on the major stock exchanges to test their computers against the millennial change. Set out desk calendars conspicuously indicating December 31, 1999, invite some friends over, and provide party hats and noisemakers. Don't scrimp on the champagne; most cats will recognize such a simplistic ruse at first blush. After the "faux festivities" have concluded, watch your cat carefully the next morning for signs of stress or other millennial-related discomfits. Note: There is little danger of creating permanent damage on hyper- sensitive felines; a simple flick of the remote control the next morning will bring up the usual menu of daytime smut and violence. Once Kitty realizes there's no Rose Bowl Parade, the hoax will be exposed. In one sense, such a ruse will be a helpful aid for sensitive cats, in that it serves to prepare them for the real thing a few months down the road. Hints for Timely Upgrades: A Y2K noncompliant cat is a good candidate for several recommended upgrades: a) use existing software programs to create futuristic calendars, showing dates well into the next century, with reassuring pictures of familiar and well-loved subjects, such as mice, fish, and tied-up dogs. b) buy complete new sofas, chairs, and mattresses with the "do not remove" tags showing dates well advanced into the 3rd millennium. A few timely reminders taken now are certain to avert any feline disruptions over the remainder of this year. Although it is quite likely that computer-induced financial catastrophe lurks around the corner for all your portfolios, and that there will be no water, food, electricity, gasoline, air travel, health care and communication services available for several months or years into the next century, most well-prepared cats (and their owners) will segue the millennial transitions in their traditional posture of comfort and serenity.		FEATURES Book Reviews Y2K already has spawned its own genre. We tell you what books are worth buying. Chip 'n Little Cartoons Chip 'n Little goes on TV Chip 'n Little visits John Koskinen Chip 'n Little saves the world Warning: This cartoon has been called "foolish and tasteless." Y2K from A to Z Y2K Haiku Traditionalists may be shocked. Mad Cow Culture What does Y2K have in common with today's Mad Cow Culture? Answer: Everything. Declan McCullagh's Y2K articles Psychology of Y2K LATEST NEWS As of December 31, 1999 Get Your T-Shirt Quick Bill Gates Does Y2K Reader Feedback A Sarcastic Calendar Cooking After the Apocalypse A Real Y2K Disaster Hitchhiker's Guide Meets Y2K