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That's Not Funny!
By Solveig Singleton
February 26, 1999
A few gentle souls sometimes wonder why anyone would find it funny to watch
someone trip, stumble around, arms flailing, and then take a hard fall.
Psychologists have a ready answer: A sense of humor is how human beings cope
with hardship or any issue that we con't want to face directly. So we
laugh at violence and jest about sex. Small surprise, then, that Y2K has spawned its own set of rib-ticklers.
But do we really need them? Isn't Y2K itself the best
practical joke we've ever played on ourselves -- far sillier than the medieval
plague-hastening conviction that bathing was dangerous to one's health?
We won't spoil one already-classic gag by giving you details. Another joke, a self-parody that some may not
find funny at all goes like this: "I've finally figured out why this
whole Year 2000 problem is causing so much trouble. Fixing it depends
on programmers finding a date. This isn't exactly one of our classic
strengths."
Occasionally, some jokes enter popular culture, honed by being forwarded around like a latter-day Craig Shergold plea. After the first few resends, the name of the original author disappears. Here's one:
Message from Rome:
January 18, 1 B.C.
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This
change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and
we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will
cope with working the wrong way around. Having been
working happily downwards forever, now we have to start
thinking upwards. You would think that someone would
have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort
out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that
Julius hadn't done something about it when he was
sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why
Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting
astrologers, but they simply said that continuing
downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the
consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass
flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east
working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't
arrive till it's all over. Some say the world will
cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero
K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything
further develops.
Plutonius.
Can you handle another? How about this...
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner
with God.
During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed
three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow, I
will destroy the Earth!!"
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two
really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and
second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."
Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have
good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the bad
news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I
have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most
important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 Problem has been
solved!"
Now here's some Y2K payroll fun...
January 4, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation
time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay
in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for
every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office
and your next pay check will reflect payment of
$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for
the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Finally, for those who like their jokes directed at the handicapped,
there's "A letter from a blonde Y2K engineer." (We've seen other variants too.)
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to
be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to
me.
At any rate I have finished converting the months on all the
company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go
with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
And the days of the week are now:
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
Sundak
Years were a breeze, since they are only spelled out in the
Legal department's applications, and won't be effected until
two thousand and twentk anyway.
Is the next one, from "Info Lady and Her Safety Net," by Stephanie Brush,
funny, peculiar -- or just plain wacky? You be the judge...
Dear Info Lady: What's the latest news on the millenium virus?
ANSWER: You need to get inoculated now. It can, and will, spread to
the human body. Your entire body will break out in welts in an
interlocking, gridlike design. Then your arms and legs will configure
themselves into hook shaped appendages with metallic, pointed tips. The
data inside your skull cavity will be largely erased.
You will, however, be useful for hanging coats.
As always, reality provides some of the best laughs. A Washington lawyer writes in to forward us an excerpt from News of the Weird: "According to Kenya's largest newspaper, the Daily Nation, the
government in October formed a committee to study potential problems
with the country's computers' complying with the Jan. 1, 2000, date
changeover. The final report and recommendations of the committee were
ordered published within 18 months -- that is to say, by April 18, 2000."
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